september 2022-23
shame
you messaged me. a maggot like me doesn't have the courage or even the right to return your message. I will vomit in my empty void as hard as I'd vomit if you ever discovered this shithole site of mine. my disguise is fading
9/16/23: a year
it's been nearly a year since I felt the need to write in here. I have a partner. I've had a partner for 10 months. it's been great. so what's wrong with me? are those frivolous things really more important than Us? when I think about it, besides you I have nobody in my life I can confide in. like you do. how I envy you. when we fight I have nobody. you go to your friends for advice and comfort and I have nobody. I've never felt so alone around so many people. superficial friendships amount to very little when you need them. I'm a monster. incapable of love and being loved. it's not a matter of whether you deserve someone "better" or not. I don't really blame you if you decide you're done with someone so. annoying. troublesome. irritating. high maintenence. a problem. it's my fault. I want to throw up.
9/26/22: coke (the soda)
coke was on sale so i bought some. i couldnt figure out how to get the discount thru the website, so eventually i gave up and accepted paying a higher price, but the machine automatically gave me the discount even without the online account linked. lucky!
9/25/22: better
i feel a lot better now. thank god. any longer and i wouldve died. the walls are down again and were even closer. ily
9/25/22: elitist
my favorite manga, tied with made in abyss, is dead dead demon's dededededestruction. the anime has already been announced, im so excited. i will become extremely attached and elitist when it airs. you stupid asukapilled laincore cyber streetwear techno orientalists should keep your hands off of it.
also, a few minutes ago i felt the first blip of joy in a few days. id just been crying all week, so that was nice to feel. i hope this goes away soon, it feels better being happy
9/25/22: hurts
it really hurts. my head hurts my chest hurts my arms hurt my hands hurt my fingers hurt it hurts. it doesn't matter. I wish I could die but I've already concluded years ago I'm too much of a coward to even kill myself so I'll just suffer some more. I have homework I need to get done today. fuck
9/25/22: wall
I think I cared about you more than u cared about me... you were my favorite but I was never yours I think. I think thats ok, it's just I feel all those walls we knocked down rising again, do you see them too?
9/25/22: ouch
when I'm depressed it manifests into physical pains as well in my arms and especially my fingers. it feels like all blood in my hands rushing away in one powerful wave. it hurts. it's not a perfect description, but it'd be nice if I wasn't alone in this type of pain
9/25/22: burn
I realize this counts as pushing away... but it's not in a way that I desire you to chase me, but I just feel burned and tired. it's silly, but you wanted to play w other ppl over me. you waited for me to finish I thought you wanted to play. whatever. give me a minute pls
9/24/22: push
once you realize you have a habit of pushing people you love away when you're down, it's so noticeable in yourself... but the desire for someone to chase after you is also there. of course communication is an option too, but... its like wanting ur partner to buy you flowers without asking for flowers. it feels like there is a difference, someone caring about you so much they'll go to you even at your worst, vs telling someone how and when to give attention
9/24/22: dont worry darling
i saw the movie with friends. it wasnt total dogshit like the reviews say, but its also the type of story that builds up to something cool then totally falls flat on its face. spoilers below
spoilers! ... this movie didnt really have anything to say. it had a lot of potential to say something about misogyny and objectification, or the being free to struggle overcome suffering as a person vs being forced into someone else's idea of "happiness". like a free will thing? but the ending was rly shitty. she woke up and it ended? how? she woke up next to jack's dead body yes? will the victory project come collect him or is he just dead there? if they are coming to collect his corpse surely they'd also hunt alice in the real world? or is alice just meant to. report him as dead? then what? is she investigated for murder? is the victory project a secret society that she would look insane explaining to police? what?? its like if squid game ended with the main character winning the final challenge, then credits rolled. nothing really mattered and nothing of value was gained or lost
9/24/22: doodle
the day(ish) after, I've not completely recovered. I just saw the drawing you sent me. it's quick and crude, but knowing you sent it to cheer me up, I couldn't help but cry again. that and the thing you said. a forest just for me. what have I done to deserve such kindness. it hurts being treated so kindly knowing I don't deserve it but the deepest parts of myself also crave and reach for it. I dont ever want to drive you away so ill keep this inner turmoil secret... you try to convince me we are equals, as friends should be, but something deeply rooted inside of me will have a hard time being convinced. thank you for your patience and thank you for being my friend...
maybe, hopefully, one day, I'll see what you see that makes you like me so much. until then I'll cry silently in the bottom bunk bed so i don't wake anyone up
9/23/22: horses
i like fish obviously, but my favorite animal is not the neon tetra or any other fish. It is the horse. They get a bad rap. They are not ugly, taking photos at bad angles of course they would look weird. if all dog photos were taken from the tips of their snout we would think dogs are goofy looking. just back up. not everyone who likes them are horse girls. I dont care for cowboys or farms or whatever. they are just cute. they are not ugly and its not weird to like them
9/23/22: blog
today i made this website. ive never used it. i have vague familiarity with html from deviantart lol, but i had to reteach myself anyways. things are bad for no particular reason, or atleast relevant reason. im gonna write in here yesterday i cried silently in the lower bunk bed. i did my best so that my heaving would go unnoticed. i fell asleep eventually. later, i was woken up by my roommate in the common space on facetime. she was crying about something, but her friend on facetime cheered her up. i didnt hear her crying in the room or descending the bunk bed. i thought i was a light sleeper
their support cheered her up. my support tried, but i still felt hopeless. sorry to my friend, i appreciate you and your efforts always